Never Mind! Read online

  'Hey, are you not going to eat that?' his companion asked, quickly shovelling the rest of his own beans into his mouth. 'I'm starving, mate. I feel as if my stomach is completely hollow, you know.'

  Now, really? What a surprise...

  Darcy just shook his head and pushed aside his plate.

  'Are you sure you don't want your breakfast?'

  'Very.'

  'Great,' his fellow inmate beamed and then opened the door to his cell as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

  'What, are you not locked in?'

  'Nope, they know exactly where to find me and in half an hour I'm on duty anyway.'

  Walking towards the front desk, the drunkard from last night apparently spoke to the warden and a moment later came back with the keys.

  Now, if that was not odd, what was?

  'Is that normal around here, that prisoners can come and go as they like?' Darcy could not help asking, handing the plate over to the grinning man.

  'Na, of course not. But you know, even a policeman can do stupid things on occasion...'

  What? Okay. Right.

  'Like taking a dump behind a parked car?'

  'Yep. A momentary lapse of reason, so to say. Hey, but at least my colleagues and I have something to laugh about for the next couple of weeks. Okay, mainly my colleagues. Until they do something stupid that is, then I'll have a field day.'

  Well, they were human after all. - Somehow...

  But Darcy's trust in law and order had been somewhat affected now, if he were honest.

  'So, you are a policeman?'

  'Yep. PS Lambert. I'm actually the boss around here. So, what are you doing? I mean aside from trying to get into your friend's house?' Lambert grinned, finishing his second plate of beans on toast before preceding to brush his teeth.

  'I'm a farmer.'

  Alright, not exclusively, but that should be enough info for the moment, shouldn't it?

  'Ah, okay. By the way, I don't believe you're a burglar if that is any consolation.'

  'Cheers.'

  For some reason, however, it was. Odd, how one night in prison could muddle one's brain...

  'Would you like another cuppa?'

  'Please.'

  'Okay, coming up. Cyril, bring us some more tea please,' Sergeant Lambert shouted and a stoic huff from his colleague was the reply.

  When the tea had arrived, he carried on: 'So, tell me exactly what has happened and then let's see what I can do about it.'

  Explaining everything was easy, and yet, truth be told, at this point, even to him, the story did sound slightly unbelievable. And he had not even had the excuse of having been drunk. Seriously, how stupid could one be?

  Then again, as unbelievable as his story was, sitting in two opposite cells with the very man normally overseeing them was actually taking the cake. If he ever dared tell anybody, he was sure no-one would believe him. Really, what was a fight against a waterspout by comparison? Absolutely normal. Yep, nothing awkward about it at all. And he should be proud that he had won the fight.

  Hm, perhaps it had been the moping spout that had called the police...

  Somebody must have, in an area where there were fuck all people around.

  'Righty...- Really, this story is so incredibly stupid, no-one could come up with this shit. Or if, they should go see a shrink. So, since you don't seem to be the kind in need for therapy, I reckon you, therefore, must be telling the truth, meaning I'll see to your release asap, though it can be another hour or two. Are you smoking?'

  'No, only on occasion when I'm very drunk.'

  'Funnily enough that is the only time I'm not smoking. So, I'm doomed: I either die of lung cancer or alcohol poisoning. - So, but I need to get changed. See you in a minute.'

  The morning passed slowly and still no sign of Bingley anywhere. It was past nine o'clock. Where was that man, dammit?

  'Could I try and call my friend again?' Darcy asked, eventually, impatiently looking at his watch.

  'Sure, if it'll help.'

  'Have you tried to find him at his house?'

  'Yes, but no-one was there. I asked Peter, a buddy of mine to drop by but according to him he only met with this Monty Howard and he in turn said that he hadn't seen your friend since last night when he left the pub together with Jane and Lizzy Bennet.'

  Of course! Why had he not thought about that sooner? He was just about to ask whether he could call there, when an emergency call arrived that distracted PS Lambert and a moment later Darcy found himself in the back of yet another police car, wondering what this was all about.

  Chapter 18:

  Bovine escapees

  'Alright, so what is this all about?' Darcy could not help wondering as they dashed through Meryton with the sirens blaring, making a few pedestrians jump and a familiar looking sports car stop at the very last minute.

  Gloria on her way over to Netherfield for their last few hours of shooting, it seemed.

  Wait, what? Without a driver's licence? Oh, no, that was Monty's slicked back hair, not Gloria's bleached blond hair-do. The two of them really were a fit...

  'We've just had a call from Longbourn House Farm that their cows have escaped and are stampeding towards Meryton.'

  Oh shit! If a herd of cows was on the run there was nothing that could stop them. Sod all!

  The only hope was, that they got tired soon enough and then would willingly turn back to their home pastures. But as it was, the grass was always greener on the other side, and cows seemed to abide by this simple rule just like pretty much everybody else he knew.

  'And how come I into play?'

  'You're a farmer, aren't you?' PS Lambert replied with a shrug of his shoulders. 'And besides, since your friend left with Lizzy and Jane Bennet last night, lovely girl that, by the way, Jane, I mean, he might be there after all. I tried to call, but no-one picked up. Sod's law. Guess they were busy with their cows.'

  Okay, that much he had gathered as well.

  'And?'

  'You know, you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. As I've said earlier, I don't think you're a burglar. So what do you say to, you help me out in this instance, seeing that my colleagues are currently all busy, okay, rather inept to deal with large four-legged creatures truth be told, but just let's pretend... - and I accidentally put your file through the shredder? I mean, it does look suspiciously like a copy machine...'

  'You are the sneakiest policeman I've ever met, Sergeant Lambert.'

  'Thank you. That is the nicest thing anybody ever said about me,' Lambert laughed as he turned into the narrow country lane that led to Longbourn only to immediately slam the breaks as he almost ran over Mrs Bennet and some other lady out walking. Or perhaps waddling would be more accurate as they wriggled their backsides to the rhythm of their brightly coloured ski sticks.

  'Oh, fuck!' Lambert sighed before dropping his face into his hands. 'Not that stupid hyena.'

  'Hyena?'

  'Have you ever heard her cackle? She's the lady that called the police last night, I am absolutely sure of it. Pretty, but shit, she must have a sturdy skull or otherwise it would collapse due to the vacuum inside of it. - You know the air pressure and so.'

  'Sawdust, Lambert, sawdust, is the answer.'

  'Presumably. Oh, are those cows over there?' Sergeant Lambert pointed through an opening in the hedge and indeed, a little bit in the distance a mass of black and white waltzed itself towards the outskirts of Meryton.

  At least they looked docile and were obviously not agitated, that was something to be thankful for. It would make it infinitely easier to bring them back when they were calm and just in the mood for a ramble instead of them having gotten a fright for some reason or other and fleeing in a panic. Like this, the picture was almost a peaceful one, if not for the fact that cows and urban living somehow didn't mix very well.

  'Yep, and they head straight for town. Fifty-odd girls on a shopping spree,' Darcy answered wryly.

  'Yeah, right, for they
have absolutely nothing to wear. I don't think they'll be impressed if I turn on the red light of my traffic paddle?'

  'Nope, it's not that they'd be offended by the red light, but they simply don't give a shit about traffic rules I'm afraid. Nihilistic buggers, the lot of them!'

  'And what are we going to do instead?'

  'Leave the car and first face the dragon and then a stampeding herd of domesticated buffalo, I dare say,' Darcy sighed, opened the door and walked over to the scowling Mrs Bennet and her indignant looking buddy.

  'Good morning, good to meet you here, you will be of great help, madam. May we just borrow one of your sticks each quickly and then ask you to come with us?'

  'Now really, Mr Darcy...' Mrs Bennet started off at his ironic tone of voice.

  'For I believe those are your cows over there...' he pointed in the direction where the bovine escapees just took a sharp turn as they were met with the first fence of one of the back gardens blocking their path and then, fortunately, wandered on towards them.

  'Oh, dear me!' Fanny Bennet cried out. 'Oh, how unfortunate...- What are we going to do now?'

  Had she really no idea? Bloody hell, she had been a farmer's wife for more than two decades.

  'Oh, my poor, poor nerves!'

  'Can you please postpone your nervous breakdown until later? At the moment, I dare say it is more crucial to get the animals back to where they belong.'

  'But they are so very big!'

  No shit, Sherlock?

  'Yes, and presently they head for the road, which is fortunate, as is the fact that they already seem to tire. However, we need to stop them from going into town before they hit the next pub. So, would you rather go to the front or back of the herd?'

  Now appearing confused he hoped he'd had enough time to explain cow herding 101 to her before they were surrounded by a herd of Holstein breed.

  'Well, one needs to go to the front and lead them back to their stable while another person, or better yet three, need to go to the back to make sure one doesn't fuck off to go see her boyfriend...'

  'But what if I get run over?' Mrs Bennet almost screeched, but it settled the matter.

  'Right, then I'll go to the front and you and your companion to the back, while Lambert here will follow us in his car. Oops, here they are...'

  And indeed, trudging through one of the hedges, the black and white cows slowly but surely filled the lane and before they knew it, they were literally in the middle of it. Which led to Mrs Bennet clinging to him for dear life. How the heck could a farmer's wife be scared of frickin' cows and decidedly calm ones at that?

  'So, I'll go to the front then...' Darcy mumbled, but the silly woman just would not let go of him, of course.

  'I'll take the lead then,' Lambert grinned broadly, seemingly enjoying himself. 'Not that I know all that much about cows, but these look harmless enough.'

  'Harmless?' Mrs Bennet cried out, while her friend, who until now had stood by in silence, sighed, handed one of her ski sticks over to Lambert and then made her way towards the far side, carefully treading on the bank since the herd now basically blocked all of the road.

  And why was it, that exactly at that moment, the postman had to pass through?

  Honking his horn with some impatience he did manage to clear the road, but the animals, in a bout of sudden fear, had darted off in various directions. Whoohoo! Oh joy! Great! Fantastic! Fuckwit! Wanker! Arsehole!

  Darcy really couldn't help himself, it was quite by accident, but before he knew it his right hand had gone up and for some reason and all on its own had stuck out his index and middle finger in a V-shape, back of hand pointing towards the stupid bastard in his red car. Take that, you cunt!

  'Plan B?' Lambert inquired, angrily slotting down the license number of the post van.

  'Get some horses and do it cowboy-style, I suppose. They are now literally everywhere and seriously, the only consolation at this point is, that the fields are already harvested and they are fairly easy to spot and not doing much damage unless they get into...'

  '... Meryton.'

  'Yep.'

  'You are actually lucky, for there are two horses coming over that hill.'

  'Sure it's not a monster?'

  'What?'

  'Never mind.'

  His eyes had already fixed on Jane and Elizabeth riding as fast as they could after their runaways, though Elizabeth had obviously some difficulty staying atop, or getting the horse where she wanted it to go. Yes, she did mention that she wasn't a horsewoman at some point, but truth be told, he had thought her to be merely modest. What girl did not ride when there were horses right in front of her nose?

  'Mum, the cows have escaped!' Jane stated as they were about to ride past. 'Have you seen them?'

  'Some went over there and others down there and again others in that direction. They got scared after the postman decided he was in a hurry.'

  'Bloody fantastic,' Elizabeth cursed, trying to straighten up. 'So, we have to separate and somehow round them up, if only I knew how...'

  Did he imagine it, or did she look slightly ill? She was paler than usual and her eyes were surrounded by dark circles. Poor thing! She should be in bed, by the looks of it, hugging a hot water bottle and drinking a nice cup of hot chicken broth not sit on a horse chasing after a herd of cattle.

  'Well, that's why I brought my buddy here with me,' the young sergeant grinned, though Darcy was sure he had also picked up on Elizabeth's slightly feverish appearance. 'And he just said horses were just the thing he needed to get them back.'

  'Then he can have mine,' Elizabeth sighed. 'Seriously, how can something that is stuffing itself with hay on a regular basis still be so hard and uncomfortable?'

  He chuckled and then, seeing that she had trouble getting off the tall horse, he held out his arms. It was the natural thing to do, wasn't it?

  Slumping against him, it was just as natural to reach out and feel her forehead. Yep, just as he had thought, she was burning up, but alas, there was little time to do anything or otherwise, the cows would be gone for good. They were already out of sight, aside from a mere handful that thankfully started to be tired of the exertion.

  Swinging himself into the saddle he winced. He had almost forgotten about the thorns stuck in his backside, but now that particular piece of memory came back with a vengeance. All the more reason to be done quickly.

  It was actually surprisingly easy to round up the scattered herd and he had to admit that he was quite impressed by Jane Bennet. She was calm and level-headed while at the same time quick on the uptake and not twenty minutes later they were on their way back to Longbourn, the herd now trotting calmly in front of them, not one animal trying to escape. At last one thing that went well. After the last couple of days he should be thankful for it, he supposed.

  'Darcy?' Bingley looked at him with surprise written all over his face. 'What are you doing here?'

  Well, Darcy could ask him the same question, especially after he had not picked up his phone all morning.

  'What does it look like, Charles? I'm playing cowboy.'

  'Have you slept in your clothes?'

  'Can we postpone this conversation until some time later, please? First of all, what's going on here? You have not coincidentally been helping around the stables, have you?'

  Bingley now looked decidedly sheepish.

  'Well...'

  'You did.'

  'Yep.'

  'And?'

  'Well, Jane and Lizzy had milked the cows and then started to untie them to bring them out. All was fine, I swear. They walked out as usual and started grazing. But then I had trouble with the mini-tractor somehow and set back instead of forward, breaking through the fence and I went to tell Lizzy but somehow when I got off the tractor, one cow started to follow me and then another and before I knew it the whole herd was after me. I panicked and started to run and eventually managed to climb a tree - and they just kept on walking across the field. I went back to the farm to tell
Jane and Lizzy about my mishap and Lizzy immediately called the police while Jane saddled the horses to chase down the cows.'

  'Bingley, you are a twat sometimes. Me, too, for that matter. I forgot my keys in my jacket and tried to break into Netherfield. I fear one of the waterspouts is worse for wear and I lost a fight with a rose bush. Not that I got into the house, mind. I spent the night in the lovely company of Sergeant Lambert, who I see just arriving as well. But really, Bingley, what were you, of all people, doing on a mini-tractor after last time's debacle?'

  'Clean the stables and then bring in fresh straw. I mean, as you've said, I have sat on a tractor once before.'

  'Yes, and it did end in a catastrophe then as well as I have just now implied and as you might remember.'

  'One is supposed to learn from one's mistakes, you know, Darcy?'

  'Yep, and in this case, it was not the mix-up of gears, it was to let you get on a tractor,' he chuckled, knowing that Bingley would take it the right way.

  And he did, wryly answering with some mock pride in his voice: 'Point taken. But at least I refrained from putting the adapters of the milking machine to my face this time around.'

  'Thank goodness!' Darcy laughed. 'Seriously that day your face looked as if you had some weird botched up cosmetic surgery.'

  'But it did tighten my skin...' Bingley now laughed as well, while Jane looked slightly bemused at their exchange.

  When the cows had been secured again, Darcy made his way over to Longbourn House, while Jane and Bingley stayed behind to take care of the horses. He doubted that it was a good idea, but Jane Bennet was a capable person and would keep an eye on her boyfriend, he hoped.

  By the time he reached the house, Lambert was long gone again. Shame, he would have liked to bid him farewell, but never mind.

  Elizabeth and her mother as well as Mrs Bennet's friend, he then found out was Mrs Lucas, sat around the kitchen table the latter two merrily chatting about the morning's events, giggling like two schoolgirls, completely ignoring the fact that Lizzy was close to falling asleep from exhaustion.